My Past Does NOT Define Me… I am FREE
Submitted by: Elizabeth Sauls
On this particular day I felt it in my spirit to open up to my daughters about my past. We were having a group discussion about the power of the mind, and how it can engulf you either to being stagnant or grow. I wanted them to understand we are not products of our environment, if we choose that route... there is always a way out.
*WARNING: sensitive content/trigger warning. Please be advised before continuing*
WELL WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS:
"Since I've been on a soapbox today about mindset, I've decided to share some of my background with you guys. Just remember that my past life no longer has me in bondage to shame or embarrassment.
From the age of 5 years old, I was sexually molested by my brother's friends often. My mother checked out after her divorce from my dad, my oldest brother was murdered, and my sister had got pregnant at 13.
She couldn't pay bills consistently, afford food nor our bare necessities. No heat, no phone, no food, and our basement stayed flooded for years with about 2 feet of water. We honestly couldn't shower or bath. I vividly remember going to school with holes in the bottom of my shoes to the point that my socks had holes in them from the concrete. I always felt ashamed. To be poor, hungry and feeling unworthy; my father tried his best but he could not keep up with the destitute we lived in. He would take us to his apartment once a week just so we could shower and bathe.
Always looking for validation, I got into boys prettyfast but I was always picking the ones I thought were out of my league; that was my passion. The ones that really liked me regardless of how poor we were, was not my style. Trying always to prove myself was what was comfortable for me. I was unbalanced to say the least......
When I eventually got pregnant with my oldest daughter , I was raped at gun point by a complete stranger. But God had a plan for me I just didn't know it or Him yet...
Now my "pick him" monitor being off was just the tip of things. As a woman, I should not be picking anyone, they should have been picking me. I was ignorant. Throughout my bad relationships, a nice guy would come along, but I just wasnt ready. They were too "nice".
So from that life to teenage pregnancy to 2 failed marriages and crap in between, my life left alot to be desired.
We all know what happened in my first marriage, I had no self worth. I didnt know who I was or "WHOSE I WAS" but I began to learn. I wanted more....I needed more. I began this slow walk with God. It was slow because I was hard headed and kept doing what I THOUGHT I wanted to do.
Public aid, WIC food stamps was not my destiny. It's a generational curse and I wanted out of the nightmare I was living. So my mindset changed but even that took time. Once i started school for respiratory, I knew that was my key to getting out of my loveless marriage and trying to do this life a different way. Some stuff I will keep to myself out of respect for your father. By the time I married Marsetti, it didnt take long for me to see bulls**t and not want to stay in it. I was learning my worth.
Rhema Bible Training College played a big part in that...I believe they saved my life. But I cant stand when people make up excuses; I just cant stand it. We make choices in life. The night I was raped I was in a place I had no business being there. NONE. Yes, he was definitely on some mess but he made a decision to harm me and he will have to deal with that. In spite of my life, I made a decision to change my mindset. I also realize that no one changes unless there is a need to. If what they are doing is still working for them, then there is no need to change. We tend to seek God when we need Him instead of walking with Him daily. If I can change and God can turn my life around, then HE can do it for anyone willing to change there mindset. Anyone who wants to live there life to the fullest can do it...
Please do not pity this story. It's a great testimony and what helps to qualify me to minister to other people who were once like me but decided they want better. I always tell my girls at work, you have to be able to locate where you are in order to move forward. If you can't locate where you are, you can never move forward because you dont know where you are.."
Thank you for you submission Elizabeth. It takes guts to open up an old wound just to inform and relate to your children. Thank you for your vulnerability and resilience to change your life for the better, even if it wasn't perfect. Your younger self thanks you for your growth.
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