Updated: Nov 30, 2022
Submitted by M.B.
*WARNING: sensitive content/trigger warning. Please be advised before continuing*
My last pregnancy was by far the worst experience in my entire life...…. from damn near start to finish....
I discovered his family was far from happy about the news. I MEAN VERY FAR.....(now, I don't blame them)
Then, on the day we found out our child's gender, despite how excited we were and it was on Valentine's Day, to my unknown knowledge, he was being exposed all over social media including his business platform. (how I found out everything will be another story).
Not only that, but there was more infidelity actions, irresponsible use and gain of money, no respect formy wishes about coming near me while under the influence of drugs, criticism, and a huge huge huge case of neglect and abandonment from him. For those 9.5 months, the mental and emotional abuse was an all time high. Even when he'd "apologize" it barely fixed anything because his actions never changed.
Hence this story.
WELL WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS:
"While I was in my last trimester, I was in complete and CONSISTENT unbearable pain. Like twice a month, I needed to go to the hospital for pre-term labor contractions and my baby had dropped very early.
At the time, again, I found out about of his secret life and mindset behind my back and I immediately ended the relationship. He still pleaded to be around me for the remainder of the pregnancy and still wanting the relationship, but I couldn't stand the sight of him. If he was "so unhappy" or still wanted to cheat/play the field, then why stay with me? Why have this child? Why couldn't I get an abortion and be free to live my life as before? I was stuck, just like he wanted me to be. And EVERYTHING he once stood for meant nothing to me. I hated him... he took my decision away and did it so sneakily. Right down to when he was exposed, he had people watching my social media to see if I knew of his fuck ups. He disrespected me behind my back to all who would listen but he would come to me with affection, love, and vocalized how he was happy to be in this moment with me and my family. He claimed to be a man of God and coming from a "loving family" but learned of my background and past trauma and would toss it my face or use it as an explanation for why I would act or treat him the way I did instead of holding himself accountable as a man. Every reaction has a reaction, and my past had nothing to do with the current treatment. But being the narcissist he is, it could never be his fault. And what he previously preached to other men on his platform meant nothing to me anymore because he couldn't stand on it himself.
The times I ALLOWED him around, I regretted it because I never had his full attention like I needed and I soon found out, he hated being there..(which again why ask to be around if that's not what you wanted).
I constantly woke up in pain, cooked in pain, walked in pain, and rested in pain. My body was giving up early on me and I knew birth was right around the corner. All that I was put through, I had no more strength to carry through..
You would think that alone, would require some urgency or attention from him but it did not. In reality, he would use my pregnancy issues to his benefit to get out of certain things but he would never be around me to take care of me... I would be left alone a lot and it was honestly traumatizing. To procreate life with someone and literally be FORCED to do the most and get reprimanded for it was literally exhausting. But my response was the same every time "it's not like I can relax". Which was true. I worked full time, school full time, and mommy mode as well. I still cooked most the meals, cleaned, packed lunches, and etc. He was barely any help, but when he was I was grateful.
On THIS particular day, I woke up in the worst pain! I mean I thought today was the damn day! I woke up and told him "something is wrong, my body hurts so bad. " I immediately called in and took off work but he had to go in; which was fine. I kept him posted about my pain level throughout the day and it literally didn't get any better. I called him and told him "when you're free, we need to go to the hospital ASAP." He said okay, and seeing how it was towards the end of his shift to my knowledge, I was sure he would be home soon. As I tried laying still for a extra few minutes, I was miserable. I took another Tylenol and my "orange pill" to help with my contractions. I looked up and an hour half goes by and he is not en route to me! I start panicking and crying because my body has now been in pain for over 7 hours! I had to ask my best friend to please take me to the hospital. Mind you, she is at least 45 mins away from where I am, but she was my only hope. While I waited for her arrival, I found out that this man went to go play basketball after work instead of coming to me!! I was furious but at this point of the pregnancy, I wasn't shocked. He's left me alone numerous of times but this time, it hurt the most. I was baffled because when you've done me wrong then BEGGED to still be around, somehow you STILL slap me in the face.... I was over it.
I gathered the strength to get up and start to throw on some sweats and try to relax my body as my friend was beginning to pull up. I heard a knock at the door and it's him. I told him to leave and there's no need for him here. He tried giving me a half ass explanation of "he was stress and needed to hoop". And my response was "How the f***k can you play basketball after I told you upon waking up something is wrong and hasn't let up?! I needed you and now I don't!"
Thank God my girl pulled up because I made him leave and then waddled my ass right to her car with tears in my eyes.
While laying in the hospital bed, I was just sad and I felt broken. I went from thinking I was building and growing my family with the man I was in love with, to finding out he will not only never change or grow for me, but he probably won't be stable and urgent enough for our child. That he will always find an excuse to keep the attention and light on him.. and it was sad
My best friend prayed for me and assured me that she was here for me always no matter what and that the remainder of my journey I'll never be alone. And to no longer be silent about what I'm going through because she didn't know that I need help and to what extent. I knew she meant it; I kept crying and apologizing for having her drive so far just to come to my rescue but I knew I needed her.
I wanted to NEED him but time and time again, I was constantly showed, that it's not me.. it's him. He not only didn't care about me but he truly didn't care about himself. Because if he did, he would realize that my treatment was a reflection of how he treated him and how he loved himself..
And she was right, I haven't been alone since then. Tackling motherhood this time around has been draining but DAILY they help make it fulfilling. I'm succeeding in ways I never knew I could and finding strength that was dormant while with him. It feels good to be free."
The definition of neglect is failure to care for properly; the state of being uncared for.
"Emotional neglect is not something that happens, but something that fails to happen. This is the opposite of emotional attunement. When a couple is emotionally attuned to each other, they experience emotional connection and emotional intimacy. In a relationship or marriage emotional neglect is when a partner consistently fails to notice, attend to, and respond in a timely manner to a partner or spouse’s feelings. In both instances, it has far-reaching negative consequences for the relationship.
The lack of attentiveness and responsiveness, speaks volumes – your feelings and emotional needs don’t matter. This translates in adults ‘your needs/you don’t matter."
The kicker is, an emotional neglectful adult has experienced this as a child.
Adults exposed to emotional neglect as children often have problems but remain oblivious as to their origins. They tend to struggle to with knowing who they are, what they expect of themselves and what others expect of them. MEANING, one or both parents that emotional connection needed to fulfill that child into becoming a healthy adult.
Some of the signs in adults include:
Difficulty identifying or expressing feelings
Easily embarrassed and prone to feelings of guilt and shame
Lack ability to empathize
Difficulty in trusting others
Highly judgemental/critical or blaming of self and others
Frequent feelings of worry, excessive fears and dissatisfaction
Feel the need to people please
Difficulty in asking for help or support
Self-directed anger and anger at others
Feeling like a fraud, hiding behind a mask; or feeling disconnected from self
Perfectionism with acute sensitivity to feelings of failure
Sensitivity to feelings of rejection
Viewed by others as being distant, aloof or arrogant
Pervasive feelings of emptiness, unhappiness or lack of joy
Emotional neglect has a powerful influence on the quality and longevity of adult intimate relationships. They simply cannot resolve differences or conflicts which tend to resurface again and again. This is largely due to partners missing emotional cues and failing to notice, attend and respond in a timely manner.
Feelings of rejection and abandonment sends a signal to the amygdala part of our brain that triggers intense fear – fear that we are not good enough, unacceptable or unlovable. It is moments like these we need our partner the most. Unfortunately, if our partner fail to notice, attend and respond in a timely manner, over time, we start to feel insecure and unsafe in the relationship. We start feeling we cannot rely on our partner.
Ending your relationship while pregnant could be the only option if your partner isn’t on board with resolving conflict, or has become abusive.
Past abusive behavior is a good predictor of future abusive behavior.
Narcissistic people simply believe the children are an extension of themselves, a playmate, someone they can either gain admiration from, either from the child or by playing the good parent role in front of others to gain admiration from others. The child can also be used to create competition, rivalry, especially if they have more than one child. With a narcissist all they do is to further their control through manipulation, they will stop at nothing to exploit others, including manipulating their own children.
To the male narcissist, they believe they are planting their seed, their essence deep inside of you. They may use the term. “Planting my seed.” Or “I chose you to be my incubator.” As we are an appliance to them. To the male narcissist getting you pregnant is the ultimate accomplishment. They feel powerful, and they place what they believe to be their seed of themselves inside of you. It’s their ultimate conquest.
Those narcissists who WANT children will make good of their promises, possibly one of the only promises they will keep after the idealisation stage: one is to tie you to them through the child. Having a child with you, means to them that you are far less likely to abandon them or expose them. If you leave or if they cheat, you are far more likely to go back if you have a child together. You want the perfect family. In that idealisation stage, who better to have a family with, then after the idealisation stage, they blame you for any mistakes they make, offer false promises of change, so you live in hope and hold on a little longer as you want the dream back of that perfect family, that they claimed they wanted to, their future faking to exploit you so they could get their needs met in the present. You don’t want to expose them as you know they’re your child’s parent.
The narcissist knows because of your loyalty, respect, morals, compassion, willingness to forgive: You will dedicate yourself to the children’s upbringing. The children’s happiness, your beliefs of having a family unit makes it harder to leave, wanting the best for your children, trapped in the double bind of being dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t, when you’ve had enough of their behaviour and want to leave, as you’ll not want to take the child away from the other parent making an almost impossible choice, it’s also not as easy to walk away with a child, and start afresh than it would be if it were just you. Allowing the narcissist to get away with more as you try to do what you think is best by the child. Narcissists reduce their own involvement or increase their involvement with the child as and when suits them. As with a narcissist, they are lacking in empathy to care correctly for a child unless they have something to gain by doing so.
If you’ve separated, what they once told you was good about your parenting, will now be turned against you. What a terrible parent you are, how you’re damaging the children. They will use the children to draw any emotional gain they can from you. However, they can. If they walk away from the children, it’ll be because “you’re bitter and twisted.” And will not allow them to see the children. You may be involved with the type of narcissist that will battle for custody because you’re crazy. If safeguarding issues are in place, so you stop access, they will not see this. As they are never accountable, it’s always someone else’s fault.
Unfortunately, during pregnancy women are at greater risk of experiencing domestic violence from their partners, whether it’s for the first time or the abuse escalates. Abuse ranges from physical to emotional, and even financial.
If you’re experiencing abuse or family violence, seek advice from local support organizations to keep you and your baby safe.
If you’re in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
If you can relate to this submitted story, comment and share your own #WWHHW moment.
*This forum is not a substitute to getting professional help*